Our Aussie Blog

The author of this poem is unknown as it was received via e-mail however we thought it sounded like a true blue Aussie male so we’re sharing it here. Who said Australian men weren’t romantic?!

An Australian Love Poem.

Of course I love ya darlin
You’re a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I’m ready
There’s somethin there to grab.

So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there.

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best.

I’m tellin’ ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get.

No matter what u look like
I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs’ on
And fetch another beer.

An Australian Pub Joke: 

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Is this some kind of bloody joke?”

Question and Answer Jokes: 

Question: What do you call a Boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Answer: A Stick.

Question: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Answer: Bloody big holes all over Australia

An American in Australia Joke: 

An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident while traveling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a local hospital for treatment.

When he finally woke up he asked the nurse, “Was I brought here to die?”

“No,” said the nurse. “You were brought in here yesterday.” (To die = today in our accent)

Here are some of the really funny questions asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their website, and some answers that may be appropriate. The original joke was floated around by email many years ago and I thought it might be worth sharing!

• From the USA: Which direction is north in Australia? (From the Editor – the same direction north is anywhere!)
• From Sweden: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (From the Editor – We just have to wonder what for??)
• From Germany: Do tents exist in Australia? (From the Editor – Only in camping grounds, tent stores, caravan parks, National parks etc)
• From France: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (From the Editor – Yes, we celebrate Christmas at Christmas time, hehehe)
• From Italy: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (From the Editor – So they prefer outdoor sports?)
• From The USA: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (From the Editor – Yes, unlike the Canadians, all our states/regions are English speaking, hehe)
• From Italy: I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (From the Editor – We’re starting to see a theme with the Italian questions here!)
• From Germany: I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (From the Editor – Depends on the level of pollution in the water that day – just kidding!)
• From The UK: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (From the Editor – Home & Away and Neighbours have a lot to answer for!)
• From The USA: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (From the Editor – It really does depend how much alcohol you’ve consumed.)
• From Germany: I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth – to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (From the Editor – Day trips? Literally several thousand kilometres from Sydney? You’d need a teleporter and the sun wouldn’t be a problem, hehe)
• From Sweden: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics – can I follow the railroad tracks? (From the Editor – It’s about 4000km so we think he’d have missed the entire Olympics and a year of his life by the time he arrived!)
• From Italy: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (From the Editor – I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the language translator really got it wrong!)
• From South Africa: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (From the Editor – We do have toilet paper and plumbing in Australia!)
• From The UK: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (From the Editor – We imagine the Olympic committee would have had fun providing the details of literally thousands of ATMs in these huge areas)
• From Portugal: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (From the Editor – We really don’t know what to say about this??)
• From The UK: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (From the Editor – This had to be someone taking the Mickey, right?)
• From The UK: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (From the Editor – We stopped eating with our hands years ago!)
• From France: Do you have perfume in Australia? (From the Editor – We just got perfume last year, smells great mate!)
• From Germany: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (From the Editor – Sure, if you have a submarine.)
• From Germany: Are there killer bees in Australia? (From the Editor – If we said no would you bring some with you? hehehe)
• From The USA: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (From the Editor – There are so many things wrong with this question, I don’t know where to start!)
• From Germany: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (From the Editor – Everyone knows milk comes from supermarkets, cows, schmows.)
• From The USA: Can you please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum? (From the Editor – OK, you’d have to provide your own rattlesnake though. We have tiger snakes, brown snakes, black snakes, red-bellied black snakes etc, but no rattlesnakes!)
• From The USA: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (From the Editor – Repeat after me.. OS-TRAY-LI-A.)
• From The USA: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (From the Editor – Um.. Koala? It’s actually not a bear though ;o)
• From The USA: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (From the Editor – I think she’s over you by now!)

If you’re overseas and you’re reading this – all there really is to learn from these questions is that Australia is not much different to other countries. It might be very large with amazing natural scenery and unique native animals but we basically live the same way most people do!

We hope you had a laugh at these funny (and quite innocent) questions from tourists planning their first visit to our shores.

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our car) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding me!!

Editor's note: many cities can be substituted for Perth in this story, we've also seen versions with Cairns and other "warm" spots in Australia!